Am I Good Enough?

Am I good enough to be on this Earth? Am I good enough to survive? Am I good enough to walk this path? Am I good enough to survive? I guess I will never really know the answer, but only to know that I am still here for a reason. What that reason is, I’m not sure of yet. I guess we never can plan or expect anything. I know that sometimes times people ask us, where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years. All I can say is that I have no idea. There is no reason in planning too far ahead because we don’t ever know what lies in our immediate future.

I have always thought I had to set specific goals for myself, but now I realize that no matter what goals I set, that life will go on as planned. I guess I should just take each day as it comes and be grateful for it. As much as I want to create the future, I can’t. I can only believe that everything happens for a reason.

Is This What Healing Feels Like?

For the majority of my life I have struggled through the pain of my Eating Disorder. It’s a pain like no other! One of physical aches and pains, emotional numbness, and depression beyond explanation. It’s been a journey of ups and downs, hospitals and treatments, doctors and therapists, and uncontrolable frustrations. I’ve experienced many losses and let-downs. I’ve seen and felt what it’s like to knock on death’s door, but through all of this I am still here. I have realized that there is a purpose for me on this Earth. I have struggled with this long enough to know that it is definitely a miracle I’m still alive.

The Road To Recovery is long and bumpy and I am only at the beginning. I have good days and bad, and trust me when I say the bad ones can be “very bad.” I often put blame on myself for this disease and it’s still very hard for me to express my emotions. My “go to” is to put on a mask and act like everything is OK. I am lucky, though, that I have people I trust with all those pent-up emotions. I have people that I can cry too, and that will hold my hand. I have “safe” places where I can say anything and not feel judged. That is such an important thing to have when trying to recover from an Eating Disorder.

I suppose feeling pain is actually a good thing. I mean, it’s better than being numb. Feeling the pain, and still trying to power through, is courageous and strong. When I’m in the middle of that pain it feels like it will never end, but then when I can finally see the light I start to feel some relief. I know these bumps will still happen and that I have a long road ahead of me, but I am still here for a reason. As long as I can acknowlegde that there is a purpose for me, I can keep pushing forward.

When It Feels Like The End

Everyone goes through a time in their lives when they feel like giving up. For me, those times have been all to often. Recovering from an Eating Disorder is very hard and has a huge inpact physically, as well as mentally. I am lucky, though, to have an amazing team who has definitely, helped me stay on track. I know that it takes a lot out of me, as well as my team, to keep me motivated and healthy. Were it not for my doctor and my therapist I don’t know where I would be right now. Both of these ladies have always had faith in me, even when I didn’t believe in myself.

I have known pain, I have known loneliness, and I have known what it’s like to feel hopeless. Having said this, I have also known what it feels like to have people care about me, to have people pick me up when I’ve fallen, and to have people see my strength and motivation. When fighting to recover, from an Eating Disorder, it is so important to have loved ones to help you through the struggle. I know some people think they can “get better” on their own, but there is NO WAY. Fighting to recover is, at least, twice as hard as the struggle itself. I can, after 16 years, honestly say that I am finally on The Road To Recovery. For some, it may only take a short time and then for others, like me, it takes a whole hell of a lot longer, but in the end…….we can all recover and go on with our lives.

I AM READY TO MOVE ON! I AM READY TO LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCE AND USE IT TO HELP MYSELF AND OTHERS. I AM WORTHY OF RECOVERY AND I THANK ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE HELPED ME REALIZE IT!

Love Heals All Wounds

When most people think of feeling love, they automatically think of their biological families. I, on the other hand, include my “chosen family.” I am lucky enough to have a cluster of people whom I know care about me and support me in all that I do. Sometimes our biological family only sees a part of us. Our “chosen family,” on the other hand, is more enlightened to our whole being.

For me, I am so lucky to have a “family” that knows all my faults and loves me anyway, if not more. I often wonder how I am so lucky to have people like that in my life. What great thing did I do to be blessed with such AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL, people? Then I realized, all I did was be myself. I don’t need to alter my personality or my image to attract people. I don’t need to try to conform to everyone else and hate myself if I can’t. Being different, being unique, and being me is what makes me stand out from the rest. It’s so much harder to be someone you’re not.

Even when I was at my worst, I felt love around me. That love is what has helped get me through. I know I had to make the choice to get better, but there’s no way I could have done it alone; believe me I tried. It was the love and support of my “family” that saw the strength and fight in me. They are the ones, who walked beside me, carried me, and let me cry on their shoulder, who helped me make this possible. I want to thank all of you and tell you how much I LOVE YOU!! You all mean the world to me, and even though I am still recovering you are always there. I never gave up on myself because you all never gave up on me.

Be Gracious

I know I haven’t posted as much as I used to, but I am making it a goal to get back on track. I chose this post because I have realized that I have so much to be grateful for. I came across a quote that pretty much sums up the definition of being gracious. “Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” -Melody Beattie

Even though my past has been one that no one would wish themselves to have, I am grateful for it. For all that I have been through, I have also overcome. I believe everything happens for  a reason, and all of these challenges were put in my path for a reason. If not for my struggles, I would not have come to be the woman I am today, a strong, determined, passionate, and motivated individual.

As much as I have put into my recovery, I also owe much to my team. Without them I would not be where I am today. I have had the motivation, but they all have had the passion. I am grateful everyday for them and am learning to be gracious to myself. For everyone reading this, I challenge you to tell those around you how grateful you are for them. For those who care, are those who will always be there for you.

When Someone Cares

Have you ever felt so alone in the world, like no one cares about you? It seems that you have only yourself to rely on and that you have to fix all your problems on your own, but then something changes. You look around and then you realize that there is someone who cares for you. In fact, this person cares so much for you that they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes realizing that there is someone who cares can be scary, but it can also be a blessing. I know that I am the kind of person who feels I need to take care of myself and figure out things on my own, but that’s not reality. Each and every person is not designed to be self reliant in all aspects of their life. There are some aspects that we need help with and it may be hard to admit it, but we can’t recover without help from others.

After years of trying to recover from this Eating Disorder, I finally realized that I can’t do it on my own. It took a lot of courage to admit to it, but once I finally found people I could trust, with all my being, I saw a huge difference. I am a very intuative person, so it took a while for me to finally find a team that I could trust with my deepest self. I am still working on giving myself permission to allow people to support and help me, but now that I’ve admitted I needed help, everything has changed. I am so lucky to have a PCP, who literally saved my life, and who continues to encourage and inspire me, and a therapist who genuiely cares  about me and my recovery. I am also lucky to have a life coach, who continues to motivate me everyday and a friend, who is a professional, who continues to belive in me with all her heart. Without all these women I don’t think I would be where I am in my recovery. I know I am the main denominator between all these women, but without them my life would have definitely taken a different direction.

Not to say that every day is rainbows and sunshine, but I am definitely in a better place than I was this time last year. I am stronger and I am more motivated than ever to recover. It has now been 1 1/2 years since I have been in an inpatient or residential facility and I have never been able to say that. I can honestly say that I am on my way to recovery and to achieving my extraordinary life. I will always owe my progress to these AMAZING women who helped inspire me to stay on my path to recovery.

Finally Feeling Free

For the longest time I had been trapped in this body not knowing how to escape. It was like being in a cell where I could see the world going on around me, but couldn’t quite reach it. For the past couple of months I have really been working on breaking free from the cell and rejoining society. My therapist saw the motivation and the light within me so she challenged me to start working on freeing myself. The biggest part of my freedom was to learn how to “feel my feelings” and to give myself permission to express them. I can tell you that this was no easy task for me. I had been so used to pushing my emotions down, not releasing them, and that was literally killing me. Believe me, when I say, that it is a lot easier to not feel anything, but that just leads to a disconnect from the world around you. I guess I never realized that while numbing myself from feeling the “negative” feelings I was also numbing myself from the “positive” ones.

Not feeling may seem to help in the moment, but the long term effects may be devastating. To feel numb numb, not only effects your feelings, but also effects anything else going on in the world. When I try to numb myself from feeling my emotions I am also numbing myself from the world. It’s during this time that I notice I tend to isolate more. Even though it sometimes hurts to express my emotions at least I am still part of the world. So if giving myself permission to cry, or throw a temper tantrum, allows me to interact with society than it’s totally worth it.

My Road To Recovery

I compare my road to recovery like driving. When I’m on the road there are always people who speed by and others who are just creeping along. I usually just end up setting the cruise and pacing along. At times, even though I may be going faster than others, there is always that one car that ends up right on my butt and tries to force me along. There are also times, when I’m driving, that the traffic is heavy and I may end up slowing down, or even coming to a complete stop. These same roads may have potholes, or cracks in the pavement, as well as other obstacles that can appear. Sometimes, there may be an accident ahead, or a detour that takes me off my usual route, and through all of this there is the occasional car that is pulled off on the shoulder.

I hope this analogy makes sense to those of you reading because I see it as the perfect parallel to recovery. There are bumps in the road and obstacles that may get in our way. Some times we may be progressing well and other times recovery may be slower. There are also times when people may try to force us along, thinking that’s it’s for the best, and other times when we may be on our own. There is no clear path for recovery. Everyone is different and everyone is moving at there on pace. Some may not make it and end up pulling off the side of the road. Either way, Recovery is possible and I just keep reminding myself that “I can do this” and that one day I will be able to look back and be proud of what I accomplished.

Another Year To Celebrate

Yesterday was my birthday, and I know some people can’t appreciate that, but I can. Yesterday marked another year that I am still here on this Earth. It’s the start of another year that I have to try new things, another year to accomplish new goals, and another year to make a difference. I can already tell that this is going to be the best year I’ve had in a long time. I am in a much better place in my recovery and my hope for the future. These past couple of months I have met so many supportive people, whom I now consider my “family.” We all have our biological families, but then we have our “chosen families.” My family has grown so much and I feel surrounded by support and love. How can I quit now when I have so many people that have my back?

This time last year, I never could have imagined that I would have come so far. Not to say that every day is easy, in fact it’s far from it, but I know “my family” will always have my back. Even these past couple of months I have seen a bigger change than I have in a long time, and I owe most of it to my “family” and my treatment team, without whom I never would have never been able to do without. Even in my best days you all are still with me, and in my worst, I know you all have my back. Without my “family,” and my continued motivation and work within myself, I know without a doubt I would have relapsed. Also, without my AMAZING treatment team, I would never have been able to fully trust myself. To my therapist, I have no words to how much your love and guidance have encouraged me. To my nutritionist, your understanding and willingness to treat me as an individual, has been my motivation for nutritional stability, and to my PCP, you are the most AMAZING woman I’ve ever met. Your love, and faith in my strength, has helped keep me going. You have always seen in me, what I never could.

There are so many other people I can thank and I hope you all know that I love you and that I’d never be where I am today without you all. I can finally say that I truly feel I am on the right track and that I know I am loved and supported.

A New Memory

A lot of times trauma gets pushed down into the depths of our soul, or even, in some cases, hidden within our unconscious mind. Most, but not all, people struggling with an Eating Disorder have experienced some sort of trauma in their lives, whether physical, sexual, verbal or emotional. It could be anything from abuse to neglect or abandonment. Even witnessing these things can cause one to counteract by turning to EDs. In turn, trauma can then be turned inward causing someone to blame themselves, or to feel so much shame, that they need to find some way to get those feelings under control. Turning to an Eating Disorder is a way for someone to feel they have control, or they might use it as a way to mask the feelings from the trauma.

In a way turning to an Eating Disorder is a way that the body and mind tries to keep it self safe. It is a coping mechanism that helps the individual get through the effects of the trauma. Even though it isn’t a safe way to cope, it may seem like the logical way for someone to deal with negative experiences. Some people think trauma is about physical or sexual abuse, but that’s not so. Trauma is anything that is a distressing or disturbing experience for someone. No matter how minor it may seem, experiencing trauma, can have a major impact on a person’s psyche.

Getting help to deal with trauma is the key to overcoming one’s eating disorder. Only when we can recognize our past situations and then work with a professional, can we begin to deal with the negative effects from it. In the case of eating disorders, it may be a way to feel in control, or a way to feel invisible, or even a way to disappear all together. Whatever the reason, the key is to talk about the trauma. Only when we can put it in the past can we truly move forward.